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Getting Closer

to finding the bottom of our financial life, it seems.  Brandy and I are both stressed out over money, her more so because she's the one at home calling all these bills and begging for time and arrangements while I'm at work.  Probably for the better, because physically I'm at my worst.  Threw up with nothing coming out this morning until finally I vomited a little blood.  Threw up an otter pop.  Threw up my rockstar.  I'm perpetually twitchy and my hands tremble.  Had this weird blackout-like episode yesterday where while reading an article my eyesight blurred and I suddenly felt dizzy, almost drunk.  My eyesight in general is getting worse daily, I had to turn my screen resolution down at home and at work.  Still no word from the doctor, and I'm getting much more worried about my health now.  My stomach hurts, a lot.

In other news, George and the Dragon has Absente!  I have a new favorite bar which serves the best drink in the universe.  Got home at 4 last night after the bar and Denny's afterwards.  Had no money so Dave paid my tab and bought me smothered cheese fries.  Thanks to my friend wormwood, they stayed down nicely.

I'm in love

A new absinthe brand is soon to be distributed in the United States! I'm trying to get the inside scoop and find out what ingredients they use, what process they use, etc. I'm so excited! Thanks warpedshadow for sending me the link. When I can get it here, I'm throwing a party! I'll need people to chip in to cover it, of course, but we can have a bottle of this and a bottle of Absente and compare the two!

And last night, Jupiter actually showed up well into the sky about 3AM and I was not only able to see jupiter's texture, but several of its moons as well! Amazing!

Neat Stuff!

So I got the telescope together.  Decided to view some imagery of the moon for "calibration", see how the equipment works and how well everything works.  See, the telescope was not only used, but a bit abused, too.  It's obviously been outside in Arizona for at least one monsoon season.  The paint is stripped away on the top, and everything has that dust/rain coating inside and out.  Even the sealed eyepieces are covered in dirt.

So I tried out the 25mm eyepiece for a bit on the moon - flawless, the detail and relief on the edges was amazing.  So I switched down to the 12.5mm.  Turned out there was a whole hell of a lot I didn't clean.  I spent the next hour of the evening cleaning the mirror and then taking each of the eyepieces apart and cleaning each optic sub-element individually because somehow there was even that moisture/dust combo in each of those.  The 4mm lens actually has three optics, that one alone took 20 minutes.  The final result of all this work?  Amazing.  When I first got the 4mm in after cleaning, I thought I was still looking at blurry dirt on the lens.  Nope, just out of focus.  A few twists of the knob and it was actually a very very vivid detail of the moon's surface.  I tried some stars for a while, however everything else could be less perfect.  For the telescope, I need to de-grease then re-oil every single nut, bolt, toggle, slide, and friction surface on the thing; it's like trying to precisely align a bungee cord right now.  But otherwise, it was misty in the sky, a full moon, and because of the clouds the city was very bright.  14 days and it'll be nice and dark and hopefully not overcast at all.  And hopefully there's be some planets somewhere else besides spread across the horizons then, too.

Also, since I'm currently working nights and planning on switching to mornings, I'm going to activate a World of Warcraft trial for 10 days.  Yea, yea, I know what I've said to everyone for, jeez, almost 4 months now?  I just don't see a down side to it at the moment.

Fuck it

I give up.  I quit.  I have no money, I'm at work with no gas, I'm almost out of cigarettes, I'm going to get sued, they're probably going to garnish my wages, and my parents are going to disown me.  At least I had a good morning.  Where's the technical support for my fucking life, I have some very strong complaints.  This job is the last place I want to be right now.

Very Interesting Site

Edit: I completely forgot to include the actual link for this post! My little gibbon's name is Voltina, she likes to eat cabbage, grapes, and Dell customers!

The website for the movie The Golden Compass seems neat.  There is this dæmon you can create on the site that is supposed to reflect your personality based on 20 questions it asks you.  After the questionaire, your initial Dæmon is created and can be stored on the site.  You can have friends take a similar questionaire about YOU (5 questions) when they visit your dæmon's page, and it may transform your dæmon based on how they answer.  I.e. I turned _paegan_'s dæmon from some leapoard-like normal-looking cat into this half-kitten, half dog thing.  My dæmon is a gibbon.  It has been supposedly been transformed once, I just guess whoever went to the site answered the questions in a similar manner as to how I did and it remains a gibbon.

Meanwhile, I am very excited to actually draw on the computer again.  I'm trying out Illustrator for some line art, something unfamiliar to me, I'll probably wuss out and go back to PS where I can comfortably sit with my rasterized layers.  I started when I got home, was only going to draw for a bit and that was two hours ago.  I also just acquired a decent telescope!  It's missing an eyepiece, though, but that can be inexpensive.  I can't wait.  Maybe I'll take dreamlessvisionand my nephew out to someplace semi-distant away from the city and show them some planets.  Too bad my son would be too young to figure out what he's looking at yet.

I thought this pic was funny

A neat idea from forge

I got this from forge, reply to this and I pick 3 of your interests and you must explain them in your journal, as well as provide a picture.  From mine, Forge picked Alembics, Fusor, and Wine Making...

Alembic stills are very interesting to me, and I have a fascination for distilling.  My only sucessful still has been a simple simple device involving an aquarium heater in a small bucket, alltogether placed in a larger bucket.  I turned 1L of wine into about 1 shot of grappa that seemed about twice as strong as the original wine (it was just a trial run).  I plan to make this into something larger and more effective, but what I'd really like is a true copper alembic still (also sometimes spelled as alambic).  I want to make absinthe =D

"Fusor" refers to a "Hirsch-Meeks" fusor, that is, fusion by electrostatic confinement.  This project actually sparked my interest in physics.  Basically a small chamber, almost completely evacuated, then filled with a very low pressure deuterium (hydrogen + 1 neutron).  Inside are two wire grids, actually the anode and cathode of a high voltage power source (transformed to about 10-25kV).  The potential causes the gas to ionize and the deuterium atoms to actually smash together in the center.  At this potential, they "fuse", actual real fusion.  The products are helium-3, helium-4, tritium, and of course, beta radiation from the decay of isotopes and ionizing radiation from the excitement of electrons.  The frequency of the photonic emissions can range from x-rays to actual gamma radiation depending on the potential applied and the strength of the vacuum.  This isn't cold fusion, it's actually "locally hot" fusion, as in the actual temperature of the fusion pinpoint at the center of the grid can be millions of degrees.  Doesn't seem to have any future as a power source, but the idea that for a few grand and some hobby time you can actually produce nuclear fusion is mind-blowing.

Wine making is part of the first hobby above.  I only tried making wine once, and failed, forgot to rack it.  I've made three failed batches of mead as well, one failed by acetobacter contamination, one by some other kind of contamination, and one just ended up tasting like ass.  I plan to make (ruin) some cider, next attempt.


I had fun at Anderson's last night and overall a good weekend.  Went to the Wildlife World Zoo in far west Phoenix Friday.  Pretty unimpressive.  Their profit model is clearly geared towards being profitable as opposed to a regular conservation-minded NFP zoo, but yet the facilities are terrible.  The animals are unhappy (it may have been because they just survived half the state's elementary schools showing up at the zoo for a field trip, and they had all been pelted with carrots and grapes for several hours), and 90% of their livestock are birds.  The zoo features poorly designed habitats, and everything's dirty and falling apart.  The cages are all simple chain-link fence.  The anaconda was in a closet-like room with a window in front of it and several open electrical outlets along the walls.  For something that explores with its tongue, this just doesn't seem right.  In one of the outlets was a plain aftermarket reptile heating pad half-pulled out of the outlet by the anaconda leaving a full 1/4" of exposed electrical surface at the plug.

We concluded the evening with dinner at Fuddruckers (which I threw up, I was sooo pissed at throwing up $9 Fish and Chips) and then this stupid movie The Bully.  It starts out like soft porn and ends up being a murder plot with a bunch of drugged-out 20-somethings.

Saturday we went to dreamlessvision's aunts house for a birthday party and had a few drinks, then went to Anderson's and I drank a ton more.  I danced a quite a bit, it was a blast.  Later we went to a Denny's near our new house for the first time and the food was great, but the service terrible.  While we were finishing our meal the waitress just tossed the check on the table without a word and went back to chatting with her stripper friends at the table next to us (this Denny's is across from a strip club).  If she wasn't the one who rang us up, we were going to leave the "tip" of "don't eat yellow snow".

I think I'm gaining weight back, but in different places.  My waist is still small (I can see my hip bones) but my moobs and gut just keep expanding and decreasing on an almost daily basis.  I might as well go back on Atkins and use ketosis to blow the rest of the weight off :)  The neat thing about having bounced on and off that diet so many times is that if I let my blood sugar drop, I almost instantly switch to fat burning.  Although, I'm guessing this digestive issue is severely depleting the nutrients I'm supposed to be having.  It is related to stomach acid (of which I don't have enough) so not only is the acid not stripping the minerals out of the food for absorbtion, but I throw up all the food anyways.  In the last week I've started to have trouble reading small print...

My tummy feels funny...

I woke up at 8:30AM today and drove all the way to f*n Maryvale. You know, one of the many parts of Phoenix where everything is now written in Spanish first, English second as a subtitle? After filling out the obligatory paperwork, I changed into a hospital gown. I got to roll around half naked on a table while some old man shot pictures of my abdomen, meanwhile some young skinny guy kept feeding me white stuff. They didn't even tip me afterwards... A.K.A. an upper GI. Then I went and got my blood drawn. I'm amazed I haven't thrown up the BaSO4, I guess it "descends" quickly. My stomach sure feels wierd, though. I'm also very concerned about the aftermath. I haven't been able to eat much solid food in over a month now, so when this flies through my near-empty colon while I'm at work here, I hope it's "friendly" and willing to wait til I get home... guess I'll find out soon, I can feel its progress.

I was also advised that when it comes out, I am not allowed to turn the lights off in the bathroom to see if it glows.  Or fingerpaint in the dark.  No sense of humor here...

I feel like poop

I have no energy today.  Not too much of a question "why" though.  For one, I got to sleep at about 4:00AM after being growled at by Brandy, then got up at about 10:00.  I'd eaten last night, a nice big plate of french fries, then I threw up the whole thing in the shower this morning, so woohoo, I have no food energy, because apparently none of the fries had digested the night before (they came out intact, covered in mucus, and were not joined by any stomach acid).  Skipped the Circle K this afternoon to get my usual 32oz of Rockstar on the way to work, and now I'm just über tired.

To make matters worse, we're having a nice slow day here and I have no energy to enjoy it.  I'm going to go eat some soup now =(

General Question

How many nascar fans does it take to break a lightbulb?

I want...

to pierce something.  I was thinking either septum, or eyebrow, or bridge maybe?  They're simple, I'm just not sure what would look good.  I want to finally get my tatoo as well, it's of my own graphic I made way back in in 1996 while sitting in detention in high school (the graphic for this post without the trails on it but with some neat inside detail).

I'm also stumped on this career thing.  I neither want to take calls to retirement, nor do I want to manage people who take calls until retirement.  I don't even want to perform a job where my primary task is programming or supporting any computer of any kind.  So far I see lots and lots of possibilities with a biology degree that I would just love.  Depending on how I play my in-major electives, I can have a whole lot of applied science careers available to me.  Otherwise there are some professional (new-career-in-a-box) degrees that could hand me a new career, however those are extremely expensive and starting positions are very competitive due to the multitides of people with the same idea as myself, and the starting salaries are typically less than what I make, except medicine.  That would be an impossible career.  I gag and sometimes barf changing my own child's diapers, to hell with changing someone else's grandmother's diapers.  Maybe I'll just get a lot of life insurance and give Brandy and Scott a free ride through life.  Just kidding.

The BLS can GFY

Well I don't know what the fuck Bureau of Labor Statistics was smoking when they wrote the 2006 Occupational Outlook Handbook, but FAA Part 147 certified avionics, airframe, and powerplant techs do NOT make more than I do starting out or even in the near future (5-10 years).  I think I'm going to take all of the recommendations from that guide now and multuiply them by 0.7.  They must be figuring in benefits into "salary" because the jobs I found for people with no experience all started around $9-$10 an hour.  I still want a new career.  Back to the drawing board, I guess...

Tip of the Day!

Forgetting to take off polarized sunglasses when you walk inside a building prevents you from seeing a shiny wet spot leftover from mopping on the floor.


I was thinking about picking up either this or this AAS at Chandler-Gilbert CC.  They aren't available anywhere else.  I'm just not sure which field is more lucrative: airframes and powerplants, or avionics and electronics.  Yes, that's right.  Fuck IT (hehe, a pun!).  I'm leaving this career in the dirt it never left.  From what I can tell, as long as I get the Part 147 certification they all pay more than I make now.  Perhaps I'll get both... It's too bad ASU doesn't offer something similiar, I could get a BAS on top of it all.

Thank you for calling [who the fuck cares] my name is [you aren't even paying attention], how may I [get irrationally yelled at by] you [for the next hour while you whine about how much you paid while I try to help you]?  No thanks.  I want to never wear a headset or be leashed to a desk again.


Since I'm done with games, I'm trying out Ubuntu for the first time, I gave it my whole 60GB primary hard drive (no windows!). So far I like it, although it is a bit of a learning curve from other Linux distributions. Easier, if anything. I hope my learning attempts don't break it, and I'm antsy to make all of my old functionality available. I.e. I want Photoshop CS2 and Illustrator instead of GIMP, I'm super happy with Nero and these new replacements scare me for some reason. Unknown=fear? I will try it for one month. Success=Ubuntu, failure=Windows XP. I've had more than my expected 1-2 glass farewell to the keg I'm returning to the dealer tomorrow, Brandy is going to kill me for staying up all night playing with Linux and mostly, well entirely, for drinking 4 glasses of beer. I just feel absurd returning to the dealer 12 gallons of beer. Probably 11 by now.

It's 4AM, I'm heading to bed.

P.S. This shoutcast radio station is awesome, the DJs are in Deutschland ( EBM Radio ) , I actually understand some of the DJ-talk in-between songs. Makes me wish I'd gone further than taking GER-101 3 times...


This morning, I was moody again.  I hate mornings.  If anything goes wrong even in perception, I just end up angry and frustrated for no reason until I get some caffeine and nicotine in my system.  My work is bullshit.  I need a new career ASAP.  I'm done with computers.  Every time my phone chirps in, it's like putting a bullet in my ear.  Here I am working at a nice new call center project, but it won't last.  Why?  For the same reason the rest didn't.  See, all these call centers that have existed in Phoenix all have one thing in common - leadership.  The same managers hopping from one company's corporate ladder to another, and the call centers all eventually fail and these few hundred technicians have to go find work wherever they can - probably another call center with the management from 2 call centers ago leapfrogged into place.  I'm approaching a decade of having the same managers and same co-workers carried through half-a-dozen different jobs for completely different companies.

My wife has even noted that when she met me, I wasn't like this.  The customers didn't get to me as I'd just started in this career, and I had no gray hair, didn't medicate myself for any reason but fun, I wasn't moody and stressed out (I was actually too easy going), I didn't try to escape from my life whenever possible, and I didn't have temper tantrums.

My personality in the last 4 years is nothing like I used to be.  After waking up from my "personality slumber" last March, I have so much to look back on and no personal development to show for it.  My career is no further than it was then, my personal life is akin to that of a hermit, I've alienated all of my friends as well as my wife, I haven't cared for my appearance at all, even stopped caring about the music scene I made so much a part of my identity.  My awakened self looks back at the last few years and sees the greater part of that time wasted, bridges burned, opportunities squandered, and it's like watching my own my slow self-destruction playing out in slow motion.  But it stopped.  Bit by bit I think I'm on the way to fixing my relationship with my wife, maybe my social life, my nerdy fatness at the cost of my health, but what about the rest?  Am I going to be able to change the large problems in my life before they take over again?  Am I still going to be able to take those preparatory steps towards a new lifestyle while still dealing with the same obstructive career?

Interesting Weekend

So we had our party Friday.  The hours immediately prior to the party sucked, I was running all over town fighting traffic.  My check was smaller than usual thanks to benefits I have yet to take advantage of.  I threw up 3 times that day including one complete stomach purging involving blood, then after I got home I was hounded by my wife who was stressed out over the preparations, and threw up again.  Then the turnout was a fraction of what we thought it would be.  Then due to some computer issues I actually caused myself (although not with the idea that it would fuck everything up) we ended up with no music for the first couple hours of the party.  Luckily I wasn't too dissapointed in not providing music as only about 10 people showed up to the party.  This is extremely dissapointing, as we bought a whole normal-sized keg.  Overall we spent well over $100 on making the everclear punch, jello shots, and getting 15.5 gallons of beer.  Tomorrow, I get to return the keg with probably about 12 gallons left.  I greatly appreciate the comradery of those that showed up, and compliment the courtesy of those that at least RSVP'd in the negative.  I never heard a word from the rest who didn't show.

Saturday I went to my wife's friend's kid's birthday, it was fun and Scott had a blast.  We got to take a good nap, went to Andersons where dreamlessvisionwas ditched by her friend at around 11:30.  We then ditched Anderson's and went to Denny's.  I actually kept down half a plate of cheese fries and some buffalo chicken, it was a good dinner.  We left Anderson's shortly after and it was all in all a pretty good evening, although it wasn't until I had a shot of vodka and a very strong IPA that I actually felt intoxicated.

(no subject)

I fell asleep with the assistance of generic sleeping pills tonight, but for the first time in a long time, it wasn't for the same usual reasons.  My mind was working non-stop on something very exciting - quantum mechanics and unified field theory!  My mind wouldn't stop, I couldn't shut it up so I had to drug it up.

What phenomenon could tie in strong, weak, electromagnetism, gravity, and the abstract idea of dark energy?  If the universe *has* existence!  I don't mean the matter we interact with.  I mean the universe itself, as a whole.  The "dark energy" is the effect observed of matter and energy affecting the shape, density, and "resolution" of the universe.  This has much to do with entanglement and a little bit to do with some of the concepts of string theory, but it *isn't* string theory.  I'm very excited about this.  I just need to come up with some equations to describe the effect and figure out if the effects of gravitation and electromagnetism increase or decrease this resolution.  More later.

Update for the Day!

1. Ear infections suck and I feel like crap.
2. I have the disconcerting feeling that I am being put "on hold", and the timing just either makes it feel worse or makes me feel more needy
3. Quantum Entanglement is a very interesting subject to me.  If you consider the theory that the universe has a "resolution" then you can postulate that examples of entanglement may seem to violate the theory or relativity but actually do not.  Applying special relativity to the phenomenon of entanglement and tying in John Wheeler's quantum foam, then "distance" is not finite and the observation of the synchronization of two particles of arbitrary distance in real-time may be because the particles share a path of a "low resolution", that is, the actual distance between the particles may not be the same as observed externally?  I don't know, I'm going home for the day.

New Shoes

I haven't had a comfortable pair of boots since I was 18.  I love my Dr. Martens work shoes and I'm going to replace them with the same model, they've lasted since 2002 with nothing but cosmetic damage, and I've done a lot in these.  So, I want to apply that same logic to new boots, and have the following ideas:Collapse )
Anyone have any complaints about Dr. Martens reliability or comfort in tall boots?  I've never actually had doc boots before.


I have an ear infection in my good (right) ear.  It hurts and since my bad (left) ear is, well, bad, I can't tell how loud I'm speaking and everything people say to me on the phone sounds blaring and painful in my right ear.

Wish I could trust myself to play WoW again.  Seems to have had a revival at work and everyone is back to the game.  I just know I can't do anything small.  I slowed down my playing because I wasn't enjoying it then finally stopped in...february?, and if I do find something new and enjoyable about the game, I'll end up obsessed like I was before.  No, it's not for me.  I just need to find new hobbies.

In exchange for WoW, I've managed to spend more time with my wife and kid, I'm reading books, eager to start cooking high-quality meals for my family again once I get back to a day schedule, thinking about starting gardening, I'm posting on LJ and MySpace, making new RL friends, speaking to old RL friends, and even finding that I am very eager to socialize, and alltogether, I drink much less!  Well, drinking picked up a little after St. Patricks Day, but all things considered it wasn't too bad and I actually used to drink more (in quantity and frequency) staying up til 4AM online with my guild.

Tonight after work (11:30-ish) I'm going to the bar formerly known as Brewskie's at Kyrene and Baseline in Tempe near my work.  It has been renamed to Nate's Place, it just hasn't reflected this name change yet.  This is a regular tuesday-night thing for Dell.  I'd rather go to Sub-Culture Cafe, also right down the street from work, but I'd get there 5 minutes before closing and what fun is that?

Party Friday!

This coming Friday (4/20...no, do NOT bring weed!) Brandy and I are hosting a party at our new house!  Anyone I know is invited, all five of you who read my journal!  I hope to see you all there!  Email me for directions, phxdigital_at_yahoo..com

Time for Something New

Seems like I need a change in my sex life, perhaps a new motivation.  Instead of playing the attention-starved puppy dog, I want to feel desired.  In fact, I want to be agressively pursued.  Instead of begging, I want to be pinned down at the wrists and instantly give up the struggle.  I want to be pounced, attacked, and ridden.  I want to be groped, molested, and then be held down and forced into doing things that I really want to do anyways.  I want to be told what you want, and then be pulled close, held tightly and gently guided into the task...by my hair.  I don't want to have to ask for any of it, I don't want to be asked, I don't want to discuss it except in the afterglow, I don't want some ceremony or this predictability attached to intimacy anymore.  I just want it done.

Good Week

Well this last week has been very very very long.  But finally after having several long tearful talks with dreamlessvisionI think I've finally put the demons in my mind to sleep about this whole thing.  It'll always be there to haunt me, but I've gotten everything answered and satisfied and am ready to move on with our lives.  I feel...at peace with this.  I hope it stays that way and I hope she feels the same, but then again she's also had a lot longer to deal with this and come to her own terms with all of it.

The Killers concert Wednsday was pretty good, although I don't think The Killers actually gave two shits about their fans at the concert, didn't even talk.  Nice long encore though.

Oh, and Anderson's Redhook IPA gives me gas and the shits and is way too strong.


The "Resource Specialist" group at my work has been shut down...this email (started by me) is circulating around the floor...


"Click on what? The Unites States? Where's that?"

So I'm trying to quit smoking again, although I don't know what motivated me to try it in the middle of my work week.  My customer base aren't just regular joes, they actually paid upwards of $2000 for their pre-made computers.  These are the snobbier variety of consumers.  And yet, half of them can't find the United States on a map - seriously.  People who can drop $4000 on an XPS 710 and then ask me how to connect it to their 43" plasma TV with DVI can't identify where they live on a map of the world, then follow up and say it's been a very long time since they've taken a HISTORY class.  Yes, those exact words on several occasions, including the history class comment.  And yet they obviously make more than I do, so where does knowledge get me?  My wife and I struggle to make ends meet regularly, and I consider myself reasonably well educated and very dedicated to my profession.  Maybe I'm in the wrong business...

A survey stolen from berrybuzz

Some survey about your life during your senior year of high school

1.Who was your best friend? None
2. What sports did you play? None
3. What kind of car did you drive? 92 Dodge Shadow, bright blue
4. It's Friday night, where were you? Wishing I could go to the Nile, probably at Coffee Talk in Mesa
5. Were you a party animal? Gin and anihistamines sitting alone playing video games?
6. Were you considered a flirt? Yes!
7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Nope
8. Were you a nerd? Yes!
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? Every so often
10.Can you sing the fight song? WTH is that
11. Who were your favorite teachers? Free Enterprise Teacher
12.Where did you sit during lunch? Across the street from school
13. What was your school's full name? Mesa high School
14. School mascot? Eagle, I think
15. Did you go to Senior Prom? No
16. If you could go back and do it over, would you? Nope, I don't think it could have gotten any better
17. What do you remember most about graduation? I'd actually graduated over a year beforehand and had to go back for commencement.
18. What was your fav. class? Electronics
19. Where were you on senior skip day? Doing tech support for HP
20. Did you have a job your senior year? Doing tech support for HP
21.Where did you go most often for lunch? Taco Bell on campus
22. Have you gained weight since then? Yup
23. What did you do after graduation? Tech support for HP
24. When did you graduate? 98 I graduated, the rest of my "class" was 99
25. Who was your Senior prom date? Some random chick named Tiffany, not really a date
26. Are you going to your 10 year reunion? No
27.Who was your homeroom teacher? N/A
28. Who will repost this after you? There are like 6 people that read my journal


I think I've had enough caffine.  After finishing my 32nd ounce of rockstar I went to go buy a mountain dew and could barely get the quarters lined up in the slot on the vending machine.  I sure type faster though.


My lead at work is happy with me and we're back to being buddy-buddy, rockstar is on sale at Circle K 2x16oz for $3, customers seem nice enough today, our satellite just got hooked up in the new house, I've been able to keep food down these last two days, and it's my friday!
On the other hand, I just found out the results of my grandma's surgery she had yesterday and she has cancer, and it's spread to her liver.  I've got so many things to cry about lately I wonder how I'm able to handle all of that plus these whiney people on the phone without burning *something* down.
I'll be going to see my grandma tomorrow, hopefully with Scott and dreamlessvision.  It brightens her day to see him since her only other great-grandson is hidden from the rest of the family by his bitch of a mother and his cowardly father.  Perhaps I'll see my cousin at the hospital so I can kick him in the nuts.  He's at *least* getting a good slap and a scolding, outside of my grandmother's presence of course.

Damn Hawaiians

Spoke to some Hawaiian guy on the phone today with a battery issue, while chatting during reboots we started talking about Spam Musubi...now I'm craving it. I found a place I can hopefully get to on my lunch break at Dobson and Baseline to buy some.


A survey stolen...

...shamelessly from

1. A is for age: 25

2. B is for beer of choice: Guinness

3. C is for career right now: Technical Support

4. D is for your dog's name: Guinness

5. E is for essential item you use everyday: Lighter

6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Star Trek Deep Space 9

7. G is for favorite game: Mahjong

8. H is for Home town: Barrow, AK

9. I is for instruments you play: None with any success

10. J is for favorite juice: Apple Cider

11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Everyones

12. L is for last place you ate: Taco Bell

13. M is for marriage: Uh-huh

14. N is for your full name: Jim Crossman

15. O is for overnight hospital stays: 1

16. P is for people you were with today: 3, I assume this means someone I spent time with: my son, my wife, my neice

17. Q is for quote: "adda!" - My son Scott

18. R is for Biggest Regret: Opportunities missed to video games

19. S is for status: Married

20. T is for time you woke up today: 11:30?

21. U is for underwear you have on now: Spongebob Squarepants boxers

22. V is for vegetable you love: Avacado

23. W is for worst habit: Impatience

24. X is for x-rays you've had: Head

25. Y is for yummy food you ate today: Nothing yet

26. Z is for the zodiac sign: Cancer


Wife wants to go to bed early and there's nothing to do alone at home, I'm at 46th St and Baseline at work, a club is open at 32nd St and Indian School with no cover, and I get off at 11:30PM... It's really tempting.  Not even to drink, just stop by.  Hmph, decisions decisions...


The guy sitting next to me has the worst halitosis I've ever smelled.  I'm over 5 feet away and it smells like, well, plaque.  I've inconspicuously been offering him some altoids for about 7 hours now, he's declined, not understanding the urgency of the situation or my real intentions.  I finally smashed one up and lined my nostrils with it, problem solved except I have to repeat it every 15 minutes or so.  I should probably just move desks before someone thinks I'm performing some illegal activity with my white powder here...

Operation Reconnection: Pending

Well Friday night was fun, kind of.  It was nice to be able to hang out with some old friends, I haven't really been social outside of work in a very long time, years.  Unfortunately an event next door at Andersons ruined the evening and most of the people I was hoping to see either left early or never showed up, but it was still a fun night.
Saturday, not so much fun.  I was put in a kind of sour mood shortly after getting there, *really* didn't want to be in the main room, and Dreamlessvision didn't want to be in the elbow room, so then I drank too much.  At least I danced though.  Probably like crap, I was completely tossed.

I forgot roller coasters go down, too

Dreamlessvision is upset about something new or different.  I thought yesterdy went fine but I guess we're not doing so well today?  Something either related to bel0vedor a picture I found on my computer, she was fine before that.  We were also denied a payday loan because I forgot (actually didn't know) to lie and say I get direct deposit instead of a live check.  I really want to go to Area51 tomorrow, I hope she feels better.  It seems that if I'm doing fine, she isn't.  Earlier this week she was asking me to snap out of it.  I just hope this doesn't mean more bad news headed my way, I can't handle any more and do the job I do successfully.

I think this game is buggy

This game was just the topic of a call, just some video issue.  Reading the site makes me think this game is buggy.  I think the intro was either written by a 15-year old or it's poorly translated Engrish.

Chernobyl zone was lit by an intolerably bright light. The clouds were evaporating in the silver bright sky with a thunder and earthquake to follow. People fell on the ground facedown closing their bleeding eyes and ears. The glow spread over an immense territory which was subsequently called the Zone. People ran away saving their lives.

Apparently one objective of the game is to collect "Artefacts".  Or in another blurb, 

First expeditions can enter the Zone several kilometers deep without mortal danger. Amateur researchers, marauders and poachers, called stalkers, show up. They move around the Zone searching for various anomalous formations, i.e. artifacts, they would sell to various organizations.

I'm am thinking about that this new games are might be requiring of a newer localization patches.  Agreeing?


Well I'm feeling better today.  Couldn't get to sleep last night because my mind wouldn't stop working, but so far today, no bad thoughts.  Work seems fine, although everyone is pissed I didn't go to the bar last night.  Finally got the internet up at home.  I am so happy with the area we live in now, with the house, and with my gorgeous commute to work.  I don't want to be reclusive anymore.  I want to find all (well, some) of my old friends from '00, start meeting all the scene's new faces and find all the ones I've been missing.

My mystery illness has caused me to lose a bunch of weight in the last week and a half, the effect was really noticeable today.  I'm down to well under 1000 calories per day, and if I eat anything more I barf all of it up.  Surprisingly I don't lose weight as fast as you'd think with this problem.  I think I need a multivitamin though.  Only 1 more week and I can finally get some non-emergency care and hopefully get this fixed, or at least diagnosed.

Uh Oh

Well this "morning" before work I forgot and took our only key for the new house with me.  I realized this on my lunch break and turned my 1 hour lunch into a 50-mile dash to the new house and back to drop the key off.  I got back 15 minutes late.  When I offered my boss an explanation he cut me off and said it doesn't matter.  Anyone know of any IT jobs opening up?

Nothing Works

Rebuilding after a move is aggrivating.  Spent all last night trying to find all these incomplete sets of things to put together in the new house without making too much noise.  Started to assemble the stereo, then found I couldn't move the entertainment center, too loud.  Then I started to unload the car, had to oil the security door so it didn't squeak too much and unloaded all the comptuer stuff.  Got to putting the computer desk together using makeshift tools, only to find out I'm missing several screws.  This morning I set my computer up on the desk anyways, and in the course of the move my video card became mis-seated!  Easy fix, sure.....if I had a screwdriver.

Edit: Oh, and the party will be on the 13th or 20th of April, we'll see how the cash flows.

What a Great Week!

It's been a hell of a long week.  Beginning with an extremely painful emotional issue, then moving, and acquiring thousands in cash debt to everyone we know at the last second in order to complete moving.   I'm trying to avoid these painful thoughts that occupy every moment I'm not explicitly devoting to something else, I just can't stop thinking about it all.  And from what I can find from others, it doesn't stop, eventually it's just drowned out by other things but never really goes away.  I'm just drained in every way possible.  I want my mind to stop, I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I felt like I was on top of the world 220 hours ago.  Quitting smoking again and doing well, ready to move to a new place, satisfied with my job, delighted with my wife and kid, hardly playing any computer games, excited about Vista, and just around the corner, a drinking holiday!


So on a lighter note, we're having a party in a few weeks at our new house around 7th Ave and the 101 (North/Central Phoenix).  I also just acquired every single piece of published music made by And One, and I'm very delighted.  Everything except for the So Klingt Liebe singles.  What an awesome band.  Perhaps some other bands should take the hint and stop changing generes every 2 years.  And One is very good at a very unique synthpop sound, they were in 1991, they are in 2007, and they DON'T MAKE ANYTHING ELSE.

New Year

So thus far, it has been quite a new year.  It seemed to start a few months ago.  I started a job at eTelecare doing tech support for Dell in October.  In December, I turned my World of Warcraft guild over to a guildie, I also seemed to have stopped playing WoW except for on occation.

After new years, things started to change even more. I decided to find some new music from Apoptygma Berzerk (they seem to change their genere every few months) and somehow fell in love with the new sound, and have started to listen to other music that sounds similar.  Shortly after, my wife dragged me to a gym and I was just hooked.  I'm in the best shape of my life, have lost 4% body fat so far, and just can't wait to do much much more.

The change in my physique and health has been the biggest change of all, I don't feel like sitting at the computer any more.  It's changed my very liveliness. I feel like doing more with myself, with my kid, and with my wife.  I feel like making graphics on the computer again, getting more new music, doing things with my digital camera, going out on the weekends, and enjoying life more.


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